All In My Head

I got it from him. The leg shaking thing. The jumping to conclusions. The quick to rip your head off with temper. And the guilt that comes moments later. All from him. And I must say I don't loath any of it.

We were sitting around having lunch. I had a friend in from out of town. He was so happy to hear she was from our home town. This was their second meeting that week. In the first meeting they discussed people they both knew and a bit about the landscape. I was happy he was happy. Things had been a bit strained in the last few weeks. Me, reading too much into absolutely nothing. My back has been up about and with everything. I know what it's all about, this "back up thing" but at the same time I don't have the slightest clue. This is transformation, welcome to it...ugh.

He was making a comment in jest and I reared my ugly head at it and at him and said something to shut it all down. I didn't even hear what the comment was. i just snapped. Then I turned to my life bearer who had lovingly prepared this lunch for us and told her I had had enough of this. She rolled with it, not unusual behavior for to witness from her youngest. Really what else could she do. She said, "Calm yourself child, you still have to come for me. To visit me." Thank god for second languages, I could at least hide my childish tantrum that was delivered in a somewhat adult way from my guest. She really didn't know anything was going on. For that matter neither did. But I'm sure the energy in the room had changed. Looking back I'm sure I had walked in with some of that energy. My back up, you see.

A short while after we had left, my mother called. I leaving her with my heaviness, see the unfairness in all this? Really, madness I tell you. She was checking in. She said all he said was "Why is she always shaking her leg like that?" I thought he was criticizing my communication skills or lack of. Funny, how fitting. After hanging up I was left feeling completely deflated by my poor behavior. What the hell is going on here?! I've been walking around on this planet thinking I am so evolved and then am slapped awake by own unsavory out putting of nasty energy to the ones I love. Not very evolved I say. Oh, how I wished I could go back in time and fix it. But I couldn't, I can't. And let me tell you I did torture myself for a number hours while walking around Granville Island. Carrying on a perfectly light conversation, all the while trying to figure out a plan on how I could make up for what I had done. Finally, I gave up. What else could I do. There was nothing else to do. Just surrender and let go. It's happened. Be gentle with yourself I thought, then I would be able to be gentle with everyone else.

This transformation thing I am going through is leaving a few bumps and bruises and not only on me. Duck and dodge when around me for the next little while or just stand back and have a good laugh. I promise, no offense will be taken. I am evolved you see.